


And I will grow for you

by Drago



Category: Block B, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Asphyxiation, Cunning Kyung, Erotic Massage, Fanxy Child - Freeform, Fingering, Friends to Lovers, I do what I want with the timeline, Kyung and Zico being best bros, M/M, Rough Sex, emotionally constipated Namjoon, everyone loves Zico as they should, jealous!Namjoon, just a little bit, pinning!Namjoon, slightly possessive Namjoon, soft Zico, soft cookie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2019-01-17 11:27:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12364758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drago/pseuds/Drago
Summary: It starts with Namjoon being a dick because he doesn't know how to deal with his feelings for Jiho. But it gets better as he gets older.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is completely self-indulgent. I love Zico, I think he is beautiful, and I like the way RapMon looks at him when he gets the chance.

Namjoon admires Jiho more than he is willing admit. There are two years apart, so it wouldn’t surprise anyone, but he just doesn’t want anyone to know. They aren’t very close, but he wishes they were. He spends hours thinking about it, imaging all the fun they could have if they were better friends.  
And Jiho is very pretty, almost like a girl, even if his nose is a bit too big. But who is Namjoon to judge anyway? Maybe, if they were closer, they would stay at each other’s homes, without Park Kyung hanging around. Just the two of them.  
But they aren’t that close, they made a song together, but Jiho does music with just about anyone because at sixteen, he already is a workaholic.  
Jiho is really, really pretty when he is working on music.  
Namjoon is only fourteen, so when one day he opens the wrong door at the venue, if it can even be called that, and sees Kyung and Jiho _kissing_ , he does the only thing that comes to his mind – quietly closes the door and waits.  
Waits, until it’s him, Jiho and few older guys hanging out after a battle. They are in high spirits, the show was really good this time, and Jiho’s eyes are shining with joy. So Namjoon opens his lips and ruins everything, because he is fourteen, jealous and stupid.  
“Did you know that Nacseo is a fag?” he says with the confidence he doesn’t feel. “I saw him kiss Kyung.”  
“The fuck did you just say about me?” Jiho asks, all happiness gone, instantly replaced with anger.  
“I saw you, you can’t deny it.”  
“I have no idea what you think you saw, but if I ever hear you say something like that again, I will fuck you up.”  
Jiho is scrawnier than him, but he is still older, and Namjoon doesn’t want to risk it. After a beat of silence, the other guys go back to talking, though he can see them eyeing Jiho warily. Rap is not gay, it’s one of the first things he’s learned in the underground.  
It’s the last time Jiho talks to him. After that, the older boy treats him like air, not returning his greetings. Namjoon regrets ever learning to speak, but the problem with words is that he can’t take them back no matter how much he wishes he could.  
Kyung doesn’t talk to him either, it was obvious that Jiho would tell him, and it shouldn’t matter at all. But Kyung was always kind to him, even when other guys were making fun of his looks or his age, so it also hurts more than he expected.  
But it’s his own fault. 

He doesn’t talk to Jiho for the next few years. It doesn’t mean that they don’t see each other, it’s impossible not to, when they both manage to land in boy bands, and in the end, music industry in Korea isn’t as big as it seems. But they don’t talk because Jiho avoids him. They are Zico and Rap Monster now, completely different people. Nacseo and Runch Randa are no more.  
And Zico is beautiful.  
Now, that he is an adult, his nose fits his face, and his hands and legs are no longer awkwardly long. He is slim, but his shoulders look surprisingly strong. Namjoon can’t stop staring at him during the meeting for one of the award shows, and more than once, Yoongi has to none too gently elbow him in the ribs to get his attention. Jiho doesn’t even spare him a glance when they are told that they will do a rap battle, but Kyung smiles at him, and it gives him a bit of hope. Surely, the older men aren’t holding a grudge after so many years, they wouldn’t be this petty.  
He is already shaking with excitement, they are going to share the stage, they will work and spend so much time together that maybe they will be friends again. He can be friends with Jiho, if it means being close to the other man.  
Only it doesn’t happen.  
Jiho is perfectly polite, but he doesn’t want to discuss anything. He just tells Namjoon that they will do it with swag – whatever that means, Namjoon has never been cool in his whole life, but he can fake it and do so convincingly, if one can trust the internet. Jiho talks with other BTS members, especially with Taehyung who seems to think that he is close with the older man. Namjoon wants to shake some sense into him, but he catches himself in time remembering that he is not that person, and he has no right to be jealous of Jiho. He had his chance, and he blew it.  
The night before MAMA he watches as many Youtube videos of Zico as he can find without Block B members or other friends. Then he jerks off thinking about red, pouty lips wrapped around his cock and tight, firm ass riding him like no one else before. After he cleans up he puts the headphones on to listen to some relaxing music. He has to admit that he is really nervous about the performance, almost as nervous as he was when he debuted with BTS.  
He ends up listening to “Tough Cookie”, and it doesn’t help at all. He almost cries when the “you’re such a faggot bitch” line comes on because, in a way, he feels responsible for the self-hatred Jiho must feel to write things lyrics like that. He was a kid, that’s true, but Jiho, albeit older, was also one and sometimes it’s the smallest things that break you. Not that Jiho is broken, at least Namjoon hopes he isn’t. It’s hard to tell with how big his smile is when he is around other people.  
The performance goes okay. The energy both bands have is so different that they don’t quite click, but the audience seems entertained, and Jiho does his best to lead all of them. Their battle isn’t really a battle, and Namjoon mostly stands there, watching the older man perform. He wishes they touched more, but he gets a smile, a cocky smirk really, and it’s good enough. He can’t afford to be greedy.  
He doesn’t become friends with Jiho after that, but somehow Kyung and Yoongi really hit it off. He finds himself around them a lot, enjoying their easy banter and soaking up every bit of information about Jiho, sometimes unknowingly, shared by Kyung.

They are eating fried chicken because they deserve it every now and then, Yoongi is on his fourth piece even though he already complained twice about being too fat. Which is bullshit, they are all at their perfect weight. So they are eating fried chicken and enjoying the week off that BTS was finally given. Kyung has a show recording scheduled for the next day, but he doesn’t seem too bothered by this, judging from the way he’s been sipping on his whiskey.  
“We’re all waiting for Jiho to have a mental breakdown,” the oldest man says out of blue, focusing on his glass.  
“What, why?” Namjoon asks, heart beating rapidly.  
“He works all the time, writing, producing, recording. Between Show Me The Money, his solo activities and preparations for the Block B comeback… He is so stressed out that he can’t sleep anymore.”  
“Can’t you help him?”  
Kyung wipes his lips with a tissue, then shrugs, “I tried, but it’s like he can’t stop. Hence the breakdown. It would be almost a blessing, you know? He would have to take a break.”  
Namjoon stares at him, the older rapper is smiling, and how can he smile when his best friend, his partner, is going through a crisis? It’s almost cruel, how unmoved he seems. It’s not Namjoon’s place, but he wants to call Kyung out on that. Then he notices how tight Kyung’s smile is, how it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. How jerky his movements are when he reaches for another piece of chicken and takes the best one. It’s his way of coping with the situation, Namjoon realizes, pretending it’s not as bad as it probably is. Instead of crying, he smiles and soldiers on, desperately looking for help which he can’t, for some reason, provide.  
“Maybe he needs someone else, from the outside. Not completely new, just… I don’t know, someone who isn’t in his band because he is the leader, and it makes everything so much more difficult.”  
“Aren’t you a couple?” Yoongi voices Namjoon’s question.  
“No, he is my best friend. That would be gross.”  
Namjoon remembers the kiss, it clearly wasn’t gross back then. He wonders what changed. He can’t help, but feel a bit hopeful too. No one really tells you how much loving someone sucks when it’s not reciprocated. And it’s not even the rejection that hurts the most, it’s the unfounded hope which makes it difficult to breathe.  
Kyung leaves half an hour later because chicken or not, he still has a schedule, and the mood he leaves behind is far from cheerful. They are all busy, Namjoon thinks, but it’s not the same when you have seven people who are equally responsible for promoting the band and the management that does what it can to keep you on top. Jiho is doing most of it alone. He’s heard Jaehyo say once that Block B’s success depends on Jiho’s hard work and popularity, but Namjoon isn’t sure the older man actually knows how sad and unfair it is.  
“I think Taehyung knows where Jiho’s studio is,” Yoongi suddenly says, eyes boring into Namjoon.  
“Oh… You think it would be good for Taehyung to get involved?” he tries not to sound jealous, but he isn’t sure if he manages. Besides, Yoongi knows him a bit too well.  
“Absolutely not. I know that Taehyung thinks they are best buds or something, but we both know it’s not true. You should ask him for the address and visit Jiho.”  
“What? Why me?”  
“You know why, Namjoon. Don’t make me say it before you can handle hearing it.”

It occurs to him, a little too late because he is already standing in front of the studio door ready to knock, that it’s not exactly appropriate, maybe even slightly creepy. Not as creepy as Taehyung having both the address and phone number, despite admitting that it’s not Jiho who shared them with him, but it’s close. They aren’t friendly enough to randomly show up in places that, to them, are considered private. They haven’t even talked in months.  
He blames the receptionist who let him in way too easily because she recognized him and didn’t care that he has no business being here. She should be fired, but he is not going to snitch because, after all, that’s exactly what he wanted. It doesn’t stop his heart from racing or his hand from shaking when he finally knocks.  
Nothing happens. It’s really anticlimactic, so he tries again and gets the exact same result. He tries to open the door and finds it unlocked, and when he comes in, Jiho is sitting with headphones on, bobbing his head to the rhythm and staring at the computer screen. He is hunched over in a way that must be uncomfortable, yet he doesn’t seem to mind. Namjoon wishes he could see Jiho’s face without him noticing his presence, but that’s impossible. And definitely creepy.  
He crosses the room and lightly touches Jiho’s arm, not wanting to scare him. The older man still jerks away and looks up at him with eyes wide open. He is exhausted, that much is obvious. His eyes are bloodshot and the dark smudges under them look almost like dirt. His hair is slightly greasy, and his shirt could use some ironing. But Namjoon could overlook all of it, really, he thinks he knows how it gets sometimes, if it wasn’t for the thinness of Jiho’s wrists, for how slim his neck looks. Breakable.  
But even with the exhaustion written all over his face and body, Jiho makes Namjoon breathless. It’s pathetic, really.  
“Namjoon? What are you doing here?”  
“Kyung told me he is worried about you,” which is a flimsy excuse at best, but it’s also the only one that he has, so it has to do.  
“What? He said that you should come here and help me?” the older man asks incredulously.  
“In not so many words,” Namjoon admits. “Do you want to grab something to eat?”  
“I have to finish this track.”  
“We will eat, come back and then you can finish. I can help you, if you want.”  
Jiho doesn’t exactly smile, but the corners of his lips twitch. Namjoon knows what the other man must be thinking about him at this point, but he is kind enough not to laugh at him. The fact that he agrees throws Namjoon off, he didn’t really expect to succeed.  
He takes the other man to a tiny places that serves some of the best bulgogi and samgyeopsal he’s ever had. It’s quite pricey, even if the place itself looks a bit like a dump, but he can afford it. Even if he couldn’t, he would still take Jiho here because the other man visibly lights up when their order arrives. He eats like a man starved, cheeks puffing out with food. It’s cute and slightly concerning.  
“When was the last time you ate?”  
“I… I don’t know, maybe six hours ago?” Jiho shrugs like it’s not a big deal, but Namjoon remembers every mean comment he’s read from netizens, who say that the older man is fat and ugly. He knows that his bandmates are affected by the malicious comments, but he never really thought that Jiho, of all people, would let someone drag him down like that.  
“You should eat more when you work so hard,” he scolds the other rapper lightly and puts more meat on his plate. It might be from the heat, but he thinks he can see a slight blush on Jiho’s pale cheeks. It’s so cute that Namjoon’s fingers twitch, and he has to stop himself from reaching out and touching the smooth skin.  
They spend a bit over an hour enjoying their meal and talking like they haven’t talked in many years. In fact, Namjoon doesn’t remember them having conversations like that before. Maybe it’s because they were kids, but it feels significantly different. He realizes that he doesn’t really know Jiho as a person anymore, he knows him as a rapper, an idol, but not as a real person. He still looks at the other man through the rose-tinted glasses that come with being infatuated, but Jiho is smart and witty, and now Namjoon knows that he will never want anyone else. It sounds cheesy even in his own head, but he is fine with that as long as Yoongi doesn’t know.  
They go back to the studio, and he makes sure to prepare a fresh cup of tea when the one in Jiho’s cup goes cold. In the meantime, he busies himself with the Internet and Jiho-watching. He doesn’t really help, the other man doesn’t need it, but being there makes him feel like he is a part of the process. Every now and then, Jiho looks at him and smiles, and that’s more than enough to keep him happy. When the clock strikes three, Namjoon convinces the other man to stop working. Jiho looks like he is going to fall over any second now, so he walks him home. It’s like a date, but without any of the romantic elements. And it gets repeated over and over again.  
Namjoon comes over as often as he can, and even though Jiho is still in the studio, he doesn’t work as much as he used to. He doesn’t even seem to notice that the younger rapper does his best to distract him from work offering, for the lack of a better word, entertainment. His band definitely notices that he disappears almost every evening and comes back late enough for all of them to already be asleep, and when he tells them the truth – not because he wants to, but because he knows that Yoongi wouldn’t tolerate a lie, the reactions are mixed. Most of them don’t seem to realize he has feelings for the other rapper, but Taehyung storms out of the living room and locks himself in the bathroom. Apparently, Namjoon missed some hints because he didn't know that Taehyung has a crush on Jiho.  
“It’s puppy love,” Yoongi tells him later when the others are asleep. “He knows Jiho would never be with him like that. He will get over it. Besides, he is not the one you should worry about.”  
Yoongi refuses to tell him when he asks for specifics, but just a week later Namjoon finds himself wondering how his bandmate knew.  
That day, he doesn’t bother with calling ahead, knowing that Jiho is in the studio. The older man posted a selfie on Instagram, recording equipment clearly visible in the background. He has kimchi pancakes with him because the older man loves kimchi almost as much as he loves music. Few seconds after opening the door Namjoon already knows that he should leave, but he is frozen to the spot, unable to tear his gaze away from the scene unfolding in front of him.  
Jiho is sitting on a couch, but he isn’t alone. Hyuk is kneeling over him, one hand gripping Jiho’s hair while he uses the other to jerk both of them off. Jiho’s shirt is open, and the vocalist is sucking a bruise into his collarbones. Namjoon wants to cry, but he continues to watch because he can’t really believe that it’s real. His eyes are glued to Jiho’s face because he can’t look any lower, he doesn’t want to see Hyuk touching the older rapper’s pretty cock again. That’s why he notices that something is off. Jiho’s eyes are wide open, and he seems to be grimacing slightly, even though he isn’t actively trying to free himself.  
Namjoon doesn’t exactly remember the last time he made out with anyone (because of schedules and maybe because of Jiho too), but he is sure it’s supposed to be enjoyable, and Jiho looks like he’d rather be anywhere but here. He still moans prettily when Hyuk does _something_ , and it goes right to Namjoon’s dick whether he wants it or not.  
He must make a noise he isn’t aware of, because suddenly there are two pairs of eyes staring at him. Jiho looks embarrassed, cheeks already stained red, definitely not from the arousal. Hyuk looks angry.  
“Do you fucking mind?” the vocalist asks, and he actually fucking does.  
“Can you give us a minute?” Jiho’s voice is unusually quiet and meek, so Namjoon nods and quickly leaves the room, trying not to think what’s about to happen. He can’t hear anything anymore, but he isn’t exactly trying to. The last thing he wants is to hear the noises Hyuk might make as he comes.  
Few minutes later the vocalist storms out of the room and shoulders past Namjoon, shoving him aside. He might be older, but it’s still extremely rude. Namjoon considers going after him, but then Jiho tells him he can come in, and he will always choose following the other rapper over Hyuk. The room smells of sex, and the other man is still flushed, lips swollen and bright red.  
“I’m sorry about that.”  
“No, I should have called, let you know I’m coming over.”  
“It’s not your fault, Hyuk wasn’t supposed to be here,” and for some reason it sounds like yeah, Hyuk wasn’t invited, but Namjoon was, and it’s almost enough to make him smile. He can’t deny it, post-sex flush looks good on the other man, makes him look all soft and pretty, but Namjoon hates the fact that it was someone else, some other man who touched Jiho, made him feel good. The jealousy feels bitter on his tongue, so he takes a sip of coke he brought for them. They shouldn’t be drinking coke, but then again – Jiho probably shouldn’t be getting fucked in a studio, and he shouldn’t be a witness of it.  
Jiho accepts the pancakes and thanks him with a shy smile, and Namjoon suddenly realizes that he wants to take care of the other man. Jiho might be older, might be the one to look after everyone around him, but he has no idea when to stop and take care of himself. Namjoon is going to protect Jiho, even if it means protecting him from himself. Or from Hyuk, who clearly can’t give the other rapper what he needs. He isn’t sure what exactly it entails, but he is going to learn. Namjoon is nothing if not determined.  
But if he wants their relationship to go anywhere, he has to act now. Because soon enough they will become too close as friends, and Namjoon wants that, he really does, but he also wants a romantic relationship first and foremost. If Jiho thinks of him as a best friend only, then it will be so much more difficult than it already is.  
“Were you really with that girl from AOA?” he finally asks. And it’s not that he doesn’t remember her name, he just doesn’t want to say it, it makes him upset the same way thinking about Hyuk does. Maybe he should start calling him Dean in his head, distance himself from the reality.  
Jiho’s eyebrows furrow before he answers, “What? Why would I lie about it? And why are you asking?”  
“I just… I thought you were gay,” for some reason, it sounds really lame in a quiet studio.  
“Because you only saw me kiss guys? Do you really think I’d sacrifice her career like that? Yes, I was with her, I’m pansexual, not a complete dickhead.”  
“What does it mean?”  
“It means that I don’t care. Boys, girls, people in-between, everything is good,” Jiho blinks at him slowly, like he is explaining something really simple to someone who isn’t very bright. “But I might have a preference for dick, so if it’s still a problem for you, then maybe you should leave.”  
“No!” Namjoon all but shouts, and Jiho is clearly taken aback by his behaviour. “It’s not, it never was.”  
“Then why would you tell the guys about it? When you saw me with Kyung.”  
“I was jealous,” he blurts out the truth because he desperately wants the other man to believe him, but he has no idea what else could he say to justify his actions. “I liked you a lot and got jealous of Kyung.”  
Jiho’s eyes shine with laughter, but he doesn’t actually laugh. “You were such a kid.”  
“Yeah, well, I was fourteen, what else could you expect,” Namjoon shrugs, surprised by how easy it is. “Why would you use the f-word then? In ‘Tough cookie’?”  
“Why would you use the n-word, huh?” Jiho counteracts. “To sound tough. I didn’t think much about it, Korea is homophobic, and I have sex with guys, so I thought it would be okay. Of course not many people know about it, and shit went down, but I learned from my mistakes.”  
Namjoon nods because yeah, he also learned from his mistakes, and it was a hard lesson. One that he doesn’t want to repeat.


	2. Chapter 2

The next time they see each other Jiho is so tense Namjoon worries that if he touches him, the other man is going to break into millions of tiny little pieces. He really doesn’t understand where does all the tension come from, Jiho just came back from a trip to Japan, as short as it was. He shouldn’t be so stressed already, yet there he is, hunched over the mixing console, hair disheveled from constant pulling and skin so pale that Namjoon can count the veins under his eyes. He is wearing an oversized hoodie with boxer shorts, long, thin legs contrasting with the dark material somewhat unappealingly. He doesn’t look very attractive, but Namjoon must be crazy because he likes this version of Jiho. Not the fact that he is clearly overworked, maybe even at the verge of a mental breakdown, but it seems that the older man always puts on a mask whenever there are people around, and Namjoon is one of the few who get to see the bare, stripped down version of Zico.  
“I bought fried seaweed rolls as a snack. I thought we could order fried chicken later, but I think I will drive you home first.”  
“Did you just invite yourself over?” Jiho asks, and it’s a testament of how bad he must be feeling, if he doesn’t even put up a fight.  
“N...no,” Namjoon sputters out, even though he did just that.  
“It’s fine, I’ll show you my digs, you haven’t seen them yet, right?”  
In the end, it’s Jiho who drives them because Namjoon isn’t really allowed to drive.  
“What do you mean ‘you are not allowed to drive’?”  
“Yoongi doesn’t let me.”  
“Is he your boyfriend?” and Namjoon lets himself think that he can sense a bit of jealousy in Jiho’s voice as he laughs, if only because the other man never asked about it before.  
“No, he is just worried I will kill myself. Or kill someone else.”  
“He does have a point, I guess. You did manage to destroy three lamps in my studio in what, two months?”  
Namjoon feels himself blush. He did break them, accidentally, and he still has no idea how it happened, especially with the third one since he only wanted to switch it on, nothing more than that. It kind of… exploded. But Jiho finds it amusing, even with glass all over the floor, he still laughed, so it’s all good.  
Jiho’s place turns out to be exactly like he imagined. It’s pretty spacious, very white and not at all homey. It’s not like the older man spends a lot time there, but that’s not something Namjoon wants to think about at the moment. There is a more pressing issue of getting Jiho in bed for more than one thing, not that he knows about it yet.  
He orders more chicken than they can eat because he wants the other man to have the leftovers for later. It’s not exactly the healthiest choice, but any food is good food when you survive on snacks and energy drinks like Jiho does.  
“My brother asked about you, asked why I’m hanging out with a sell-out like you.”  
Namjoon never liked Jiseok, for many reasons. Most of them had to do with the way he treated his brother, and his personality wasn’t great even back when they were kids. But he would be lying if he said that the words don’t hurt. He’s heard them before, from other people, other rappers, and he is only human, so of course they affect him whether he believes they are true or not.  
“I told him to fuck off and focus on his career, earned myself a punch.”  
“What? Is he still hitting you?”  
“’Still hitting me’, Jesus Joon, you sound like he abused me. It’s cool, we are cool.”  
And Namjoon chooses not to comments on that because he knows it won’t go well, they’d probably end up fighting. Jiho refuses to acknowledge the fact that there is something wrong with his family, even though he does what he can to avoid spending time with them. It’s all good, everything is always good. And then Kyung gets phone calls at three in the morning, but that’s something no one talks about in the open. Except Kyung, who seems to think that Namjoon deserves to know (while he mostly wants to know how did Kyung get his number in the first place).  
“My shoulders hurt so much,” Jiho says in the cute, slightly whiny voice he mastered as a teenager to use around older rappers. It worked every time.  
“I can give you a massage.”  
“I… uh.”  
“I’m not going to hurt you, I swear. It’s one of the very few manual things I’m decent at because Jimin and Seokjin complain about muscle pain a lot.”  
“I guess,” Jiho still doesn’t look convinced, but his face twists in pain when he moves his arms, and that’s enough reason to try.  
“Strip to your underwear and lie on the bed.”  
“Do I really have to get naked?” the older boy sounds self-conscious. They never discussed it, but Namjoon knows that Jiho has some body issues. The way he carries himself is a dead giveaway. Always hunched over, always trying to look smaller than he is. He isn’t even big, not at all, it’s just his shoulders that are broad, everything else is small and lean. Too thin.  
“I’ll be using an oil.”  
“I’m pretty sure I saw it in a porn movie,” Jiho mutters to himself, and Namjoon tries not to blush because that’s exactly what gave him the idea. He was browsing PornHub and Xvideos for ‘bottom Korean boys with tattoos’ (with the addition of blond, orange or whatever hair colour Jiho was sporting at the time) when he stumbled upon massage videos, which opened the gate to the whole new world of porn he wasn’t aware of. It was a relatively safe way of discovering a new kink, but he couldn’t stop thinking about it afterwards, and he is surprised that the other rapper doesn’t ask why exactly Namjoon has a bottle of massaging oil in his bag. The oil doubles as a lubricant, but Jiho doesn’t need to know it either. Not yet.  
Namjoon enjoys the sight of Jiho’s pale, slim body a little too much, already half hard and grateful that he chose to wear loose pants. The older man is covered in tattoos, the last time Namjoon saw him shirtless in real life there was no ink marking his skin. He likes this version better, it seems more real, even if he isn’t sure he can handle Jiho’s mom staring at him.  
“On your stomach,” he manages to choke out, and Jiho gives him a weird look, probably slightly offended by the command. He still does it, and Namjoon wonders if he will be capable of following through with the plan. He wants to give his friend a good massage before he attempts something more, so it buys him some time to decide whether he will breach the subject or not.  
He didn’t think it would be this hard, though. He imagined every possible scenario, his imagination is really, really good, yet it couldn’t prepare him for the way Jiho’s smooth skin feels under his hands or the way his body looks when it’s almost naked. He is especially entranced by the swell of Jiho’s ass which is usually hidden under loose pants and unflattering shirts. It’s for the best, of course, he can imagine the Internet would be swamped with pictures of Jiho’s ass if he were to wear tight pants without anything covering his ass. While it would be really beneficial for his spank bank, Namjoon doesn’t like that fact that other people would be able to enjoy it too. Call him possessive, he will wear it as a badge of honor.  
Jiho’s shoulders are so stiff that one would think he carries the whole world on them. It might not be exactly true, but there are six people whose careers depend almost entirely on him, then there is his family, and that’s still a lot more than one person should be dealing with. So Namjoon tries to remember every little trick from the two classes he attended before he got too busy, massaging and kneading the muscles. At first, Jiho tenses even more, probably still worried that Namjoon is going to break him, but then he starts to relax, slowly giving in to the pleasure.  
By the time Namjoon reaches his hands, Jiho is moaning quietly, eyes closed. The moans don’t seem to be intentional, but they do things to the younger man as he gently caresses slim fingers before moving towards the wrists and focusing on them.  
“Should I do your legs too?” he asks, and then stifles a laugh when Jiho eagerly says, ‘Yes, please!’ He was always the proudest of his rapping skills, but it might change if this is what he gets – relaxed and pliant Jiho who desperately wants him to continue.  
He does. He starts with the ankles and goes up, rubbing the thin calves, pressing his fingers behind Jiho’s knees and making him laugh like he knew it would. He wishes Jiho’s thighs were fuller when he uses thumbs to knead the muscles, but he knows better than to hope it will ever happen.  
His hands finally brush the crease under Jiho’s buttocks. This is it. This is the time he gets to decide whether he is brave enough to face the rejection. Or maybe, just maybe, acceptance. It’s not really a decision, though, is it? Not when he has Jiho temptingly spread on a bed. This image has been haunting him for years now, and he’d have to be a fool to waste his chance. So he allows his fingertips to dip under the material of Jiho’s underwear, barely reaching his ass.  
“Joon..?” Jiho asks, confused but not angry.  
“I can be very thorough with my massage, hyung. It can be nice and deep, if you let me. Can I touch you?”  
For a few seconds, Jiho stops breathing, his back no longer rising. Then he takes a deep breath and nods. It’s accompanied by the quiet ‘yeah’ that could be easily missed if Namjoon wasn’t listening so intently.  
“Lift your hips, baby,” he says because if they are going to do this, then he should be allowed to use a pet name. Jiho doesn’t complain, just obediently lifts his hips allowing Namjoon to take off his boxers. He is completely naked now, and Namjoon needs a minute to collect himself or the fun will be over before it starts. He’s seen many naked bodies, he’s even seen his band members naked way too many times, but it’s the first time he loves the other person. He fancied himself in love before, of course he did, but it wasn’t real.  
He finally puts his hands on smooth, full buttocks and squeezes none too gently, wanting to feel them properly. Jiho gasps into a pillow, giving him an idea of what the older man likes. He can work with that. He starts rubbing, pretending that it’s still just a massage, making small circles, thumbs slowly gravitating towards the tight hole hidden between the pale cheeks. He pours more oil, making sure his fingers are adequately coated before he slides the forefinger right in, without stopping. Jiho is not a doll, he isn’t going to break, which he proves by moaning appreciatively, legs spreading on their own accord.  
“You are so good for me,” Namjoon coos before adding a second finger. It’s a much tighter fit, but it doesn’t slow him down. He twists his fingers until Jiho keens and rolls his hips, trying to get them deeper. “So beautiful,” he murmurs and spreads his fingers, enjoying the way the other man opens up for him. He hesitates before adding the third finger, but Jiho just raises his hips, moaning when Namjoon pushes to the last knuckle. Jiho’s fingers twitch around the pillow he is holding, but he doesn’t try to touch his cock.  
Namjoon rewards him for this by oh-so-slowly rubbing against his prostate, milking it. He wants to see if the other man is leaking already, so he slaps Jiho’s thigh and orders, “Up!”. After Jiho complies, Namjoon moves to the side to take a good look at his red, straining dick. It’s steadily leaking clear pre-cum, and he wants to lick the swollen head. He uses his free hand to gently rub Jiho’s pretty cock, and the older man makes a sound like he is in pain.  
“Are you okay?”  
“Y...yeah. I know I sound gross when I’m turned on.”  
Namjoon doesn’t like the self-deprecatory note in his partner’s voice, so he moves to lick Jiho all the way from his perky ass to the long, elegant neck.  
“I like the way you sound,” he proves his point by pressing all three of his fingers against Jiho’s prostate. The older man keens like a baby animal, eyes squeezed shut.  
“Fuck me, Namjoon, fuck me,” Jiho begs, and who is Namjoon to refuse. He adds just a little more oil, which feels exceptionally cold on his hot arousal, lovingly pets Jiho’s prostate one last time before removing his fingers and pressing the thick head of his dick against the stretched hole. There is still some resistance, and he has to stop when it pops past the tight ring of muscles, fingers digging into Jiho’s hips. He can’t come before he fucks his partner stupid, though it doesn’t seem that either of them will last much longer. His whole body is already on fire.  
“Fuck me hard,” Jiho whines again, restless, so Namjoon slides all the way in, until Jiho’s ass rests against him.  
“You are so naughty, you need to be fucked into submission,” he pulls out a bit and slams back in, forcing the other man to scramble for purchase, whole body sliding on the bed. He sets a fast pace, hips slapping against Jiho’s ass with every thrust. He can feel the sweat trickling down his forehead while he pounds the tight, slick hole. He stops halfway through another thrust and pulls out completely, ripping out a sob from Jiho. He flips the man over, wanting to see his face while he fucks him, but before he can enter him again, Jiho sits up and mutters, “I wanna taste you.” Then he swallows Namjoon down to the base, nose brushing against the pubic hair.  
Namjoon always thought that Jiho’s lips were made for sucking cock, and he was right. He looks beautiful with thick lips wrapped around the even thicker dick, cheeks hollowing with every suck. He doesn’t choke, taking it like a good slut. Namjoon doesn’t mean to say it out loud, it seems like it could be too much, but it slips out anyway, and Jiho isn’t at all offended, he moans around the cock sending vibrations that make Namjoon’s balls tighten.  
“Fuck,” he grasps Jiho’s hair and roughly pulls him off, leans to finally kiss the cherry-red, swollen lips. The older man tastes like cock, so it’s a good thing that Namjoon loves it. Their teeth clash at first, they are too desperate to kiss properly, biting and licking into each other’s mouths.  
He manhandles Jiho into the position he wants him in, one leg wrapped around his hip, another on his shoulder. “You look so good like that, spread open for me,” he says and slides all the way to the hilt. It’s easy this time, Jiho is already fucked loose. Namjoon screws into him with everything he has, but Jiho fucks him right back, rolling and twisting his hips, whining every time the thick cock brushes against his prostate. His own cock looks painfully red, his flat stomach is sticky with pre-cum, yet he hasn’t tried, not even once, to reach for it. Namjoon lowers himself over his body, trapping Jiho’s dick between their stomach and giving it the well-deserved friction while he kisses the other man. He sets a punishing rhythm, if he doesn’t cum soon he is going to die and judging from the noises leaving Jiho’s mouth, he feels the same way.  
He grips Jiho’s hips as hard as he can, hoping that they will bruise and days later the older man will be changing around his crew before the concert, and then everyone will see, and know. The thought makes him fuck even harder, Jiho is his and no one else can have him.  
Namjoon doesn’t really think about it when he wraps one hand around Jiho’s pale throat and squeezes lightly, not enough to make him choke, but enough to make breathing a little bit harder. He doesn’t usually do it, but the other man has a very elegant, temptingly smooth throat that begs for attention. Jiho’s eyes fly open, and he whimpers before his whole body tenses, and he comes so hard that his release hits his chest. Namjoon collects some of it with his fingers and feeds it to the other man. Jiho swallows eagerly, cheeks a beautiful shade of pink.  
“You should wear pink more often,” he says cockily, watching the colour deepen as Jiho laughs, inadvertently clenching around Namjoon’s dick like a vice. It’s enough to set him off, he pushes in as far as he can go and cums while both of them still snicker. Not how he planned it to end, but it’s not a bad ending either.  
He moves to pull out, but Jiho quickly wraps both legs around his hips to keep him close. “I like to stay like this for a while, okay?” he asks shyly, looking at him through the lashes. If Namjoon could get hard again, he would, but the way things are, he just continues to kiss the other man. Their kisses are lazy now since they’re not chasing the release anymore, and he likes it just as much. He wants this, he wants the softness too.  
He finally slips out when it gets too much, and Jiho pushes him around until Namjoon is lying with the other man curled around him, head resting on his chest. He seems to be on the verge of sleep, but Namjoon thinks that they probably should talk because he doesn’t want it to be a one time thing.  
“Okay,” Jiho says sleepily, which makes him realize that his brain to mouth filter must be malfunctioning again.  
“Are you going to sleep with Hyuk too? Because I want everything with you.”  
He feels Jiho shake his head, “He wants to be with me, but I never felt anything for him. I tried, but it’s not there. He doesn’t get me like you do, he always worries he is going to break me.”  
Namjoon tries not to read too much into it, it’s not a love confession, but his heart beats just a little bit faster, and he has a hard time falling asleep. 

The room is really bright when he wakes up alone. He can’t locate his underwear, but he finds a pair of tracksuit pants sitting on a chair, so he borrows them before he ventures outside the room. He finds Jiho in the kitchen, making coffee and preparing breakfast.  
“I got a little worried when I didn’t wake up next to you.”  
“What? Did you think I abandoned my own flat? Don’t be silly. I woke up maybe fifteen minutes ago and decided to do something nice for breakfast. I feel so rested, usually I have a hard time sleeping through the night.”  
Namjoon has to bite his tongue to stop himself from admitting that he knows because he watched ‘Hack Zico’ with Jimin. The voice of reason, which sounds a lot like Yoongi, tells him that it would be a bit too much.  
Instead, he cheerfully says, “I guess you have to keep me around to make sure you get your beauty sleep.”  
“’Beauty’,” Jiho snorts, “but I guess I do.”  
“Hey,” Namjoon crowds him against the counter and says in his best bedroom voice, “you’re gorgeous, baby.” Jiho blushes again and tells him to ‘fuck off’, but he counts it as a win.  
He prepares two sandwiches with lots of butter and kimchi, and forces the older man to eat both with scrambled eggs since he is way too skinny for Namjoon’s liking.  
Jiho has something scheduled at three, but he ends up canceling – for the first time in years, and they spend the whole day in bed. Which is a completely new thing for Namjoon who never really got to do that with previous partners. It’s very… intimate. And not just because they are having a lot of sex, but because they lounge around mostly naked and share the things they never shared before.  
For some reason, no one tries to get in touch with him, so he sends a short text to Yoongi, thanking him. In return, the older man tells him to ‘thank Kyung’, and that’s a bit worrisome, but Jiho shrugs it off and suggests they should take a shower. Which is far more important than Yoongi’s relationship with Kyung.  
The shower takes about twice as long as it usually would, and his knees hurt, but he has to help Jiho get to the room afterwards because his legs are shaking too much to support him, so Namjoon decides that it’s the best shower he’s ever had. For a few more hours, it’s just the two of them without the outside world’s interruptions. He gets to see a completely different Jiho, one that he’s never met before. This Jiho likes to wear soft pants and seems a little shy. He is also perfectly fine with Namjoon taking the lead. While Namjoon might not be exactly the master lover he describes in his lyrics, he likes to be the one in control. Jiho is so pliant in his arms that it makes him want to do very bad, pleasurable things to him.  
The next time he wakes up, Jiho is peacefully asleep in his arms, and he really doesn’t want to wake him, but there is someone in the kitchen. After the first bout of panic he realizes that no one in their right mind would break into someone’s flat just to prepare food. Then again, sasaengs aren’t normal people.  
“Baby, someone is cooking in your kitchen.”  
“What?” Jiho mutters, eyes still closed. “Oh, yeah, it’s Kyung, he’s got the keys from when we lived together.”  
“You lived together?”  
“Yeah, for a while. He was saving up for his own flat, I wanted to help.”  
“But… he lives in dorms now?”  
“Something happened, and he had to move back. I didn’t do it because I already bought this place, so...”  
“Something with your members?”  
“Yes, but I’m not going to give you the details because it’s not my story to tell.”  
They spend few more minutes pretending they can’t hear Kyung making a racket in the kitchen, but Jiho finally gives up, puts on a loose shirt and boxers, and goes to greet his guest. When Namjoon joins them the oldest man doesn’t look surprised in the slightest, but he eyes him up and down.  
“At least your body is good,” Kyung says instead of a greeting, and Namjoon instantly regrets not bothering to find a clean shirt.  
“What?”  
“Your face, not so much, Jiho could do better, but your body is nice.”  
“Shut the fuck up, Kyung,” Jiho says from his place at the table, but he seems amused more than anything. Namjoon decides not to take offense at that because he knows he can’t win the argument with someone who is a certified genius, so there is no point in trying.  
“We’ve got some work to do for our next album, so you can’t really be around. But I invited some people over later, so you can go shopping for us.”  
“I actually have something to do today...”  
“Can you at least get some snacks then? Just… make yourself useful and be here around ten.”  
“Oh, I’m invited?”  
Kyung stares at him like he is the biggest idiot on the planet before he sighs and says, “Of course you are invited. You are banging Jiho now, you are invited to every party. Unless it’s a break up party, but let’s not worry about it now.”  
Namjoon ends up dragging Yoongi and Jimin to the biggest supermarket in the area because he realizes that said party is going to be a bit of a test for him, and he has to show his best side. He isn’t entirely sure which side is that, and he has no idea what is one supposed to bring to a party with Korea’s hottest musicians, which is why Yoongi and Jimin are there acting as the emotional support. Or at least that’s what Jimin is doing, Yoongi is too busy with his phone to notice what’s happening around them. Namjoon is tempted to ask, but decides he is better off not knowing for now. He wouldn’t know what to do if his suspicions turned out to be true, and Yoongi was constantly messaging Kyung.  
They have a dance practice in the evening which makes him sore and irritable, but he still dresses to impress and arrives almost forty minutes early, bags filled with food. Both Jiho and Kyung are wearing the same clothes they were wearing before, and his… maybe boyfriend still isn’t wearing any pants. Hyuk is the only one who looks somewhat presentable in his Burberry jacket, but that only makes Namjoon angry because he didn’t expect the vocalist to be here so early. He ignores the older man, which is childish but satisfying, especially when Jiho lets him wrap an arm around his broad shoulders in a show of possession which makes Hyuk leave the kitchen. When other guests join them, Namjoon realizes that he doesn’t really know anyone apart from Kyung and Jiho. He’s seen Minho before, they never talked, yet he already knows that the guy doesn’t like him, if only because he is in BTS. He’s never met Dongwook, Hyoseob and Seunghyun either, but they don’t seem hostile.  
The party is a bit of a disappointment. Not for others, they are having a blast, drinking and talking about the shows they’ve done. Namjoon feels like an outsider, he _is_ the outsider. He hasn’t participated in the underground scene in ages, and among these people it makes him less of a rapper. Or at least it feels this way even though no one mentions it, not to his face.  
He needs to take a break after a while, like he is in a fucking class, so he goes to the kitchen for a smoke and opens the window because he doesn’t want Jiho to breathe in the toxins later. He doesn’t smoke often, but when the situation calls for it… He almost wants to leave, but he doesn’t want to seem weak in front of Jiho’s friends.  
“Minho thinks you are a bitch,” Kyung appears out of nowhere and says conversationally. He is leaning against the window, but his hands are wrapped around a cup instead of a cigarette.  
“Who fucking doesn’t,” he says bitterly, it’s not really a question.  
“Well, he’s been trying to get into Jiho’s pants for ages with no success, so you can see why he might not like you too much. Dongwook doesn’t think you are a bitch though. And he is one of our closest friends.”  
“He is very… calm.”  
“He’s been through a lot,” Kyung frowns at his cup, but doesn’t offer any details. Namjoon is a curious guy, of course he wants to know everything, but he respects how tight Jiho’s friends are, never blabbing out each other’s secrets.  
“Why is everyone in love with Jiho,” he asks, suddenly annoyed and more than a little insecure.  
“Really? You don’t think he deserves it?” one of Kyung’s eyebrows climbs his forehead, almost reaching the hairline. “Besides, it’s just Minho, Hyuk, your Taehyung and a whole bunch of fangirls, but they don’t count. Oh, and then there is you.”  
“He does deserve it,” Namjoon admits, partially because he is in love, and partially because he is a sap who believes that everyone deserves to be loved. “I’m not sure he knows it, though.”  
“Then be useful and make him believe it,” Kyung rolls his eyes like it’s the easiest thing in the world, and Namjoon thinks that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if someone strangled the older rapper. Instead, he changes the topic because he is not going to have a little heart to heart in Jiho’s kitchen, with his best friend.  
“Are you drinking coffee?”  
“Yep, I can’t drink too much alcohol because I have to record something tomorrow. But I spiked it with whisky.”  
“Can I have some too?”  
"Sure,” Kyung sends him a bright, eerie smile, “let me show you the world, Namjoon. This, my friend, is a coffee maker. And this,” the older man points at a clean cup, “is where you put the coffee after you make it. This thing here...”  
“Oh fuck off!”  
It pains Namjoon to admit, but Kyung is a good, amusing company. But they can’t hide in the kitchen forever, not when Jiho comes looking for them after a while, worried that something happened. Namjoon smiles and lies through his teeth saying that everything is fine.  
He spends the rest of the evening chatting with Dongwook who is the least obnoxious rapper Namjoon has ever met, but who also isn’t afraid to stand up to Minho when he comes looking for a fight. Minho isn’t really trying to pick a physical fight, but he says little, hurtful things disguised as jokes which get real old, real fast. Usually, Namjoon isn’t one to walk away when someone is trying to provoke him, but his relationship with Jiho is very new, and he is painfully aware that he probably doesn’t stand a chance against any of his old friends. He doesn’t know how far he can go, so he is grateful when Dongwook steps in and quite politely tells Minho to piss off.  
When the party finally ends, he is exhausted. It isn’t the worst night he’s had, he even managed to have some fun, but it was emotionally draining. He needs at least eight hours of uninterrupted sleep to recover, and it would probably be best if he slept in his own bed. He stays until the last guest leaves to help Jiho clean up, but he has every intention of going home after that. Jiho, of course, is making it difficult. He is acting needy, rubbing against him every chance he gets, stealing kisses and bending over more often than he needs, drawing attention to his ass.  
“I was thinking about going back to the dorms,” Namjoon awkwardly admits after they are done with cleaning.  
Jiho stares at him all wide-eyed and then _pouts_ , and Namjoon can feel his resolve crumbling into tiny pieces. He is still exhausted when Jiho pulls him towards the bedroom and proceeds to ride the fuck out of him. He doesn’t have to do anything, the older man takes care of everything, snapping his hips like an expert and milking his dick dry. He falls asleep right after his orgasm, but he doubts Jiho will mind. 

Most days, Jiho crawls into the bed well after midnight. More often than not it’s 3 or 4 in the morning. He doesn’t mean to wake Namjoon up, but it usually happens anyway. Namjoon likes it, if he has to be honest, because they don’t get to spend that much time together, their schedules are too packed, and he feels like he isn’t doing enough. He definitely isn’t doing what Kyung asked him to do, making sure that Jiho doesn’t work himself to death. For some stupid reason he thought that being in a relationship would be enough incentive for the older man to slow down, but after a very short honeymoon period Jiho is back to working all the time. And Namjoon is busy himself, but something needs to be done.  
The next time Jiho stumbles into the room not because he is drunk, but because he is so fucking exhausted, eyes barely open and shrugging off his clothes as he goes, letting them fall on the floor, Namjoon snaps. It’s probably not fair to confront him now, Namjoon thinks, now that he is already falling asleep (yet won’t be able to rest, he always sleeps like he is fighting a battle inside his dreams), but there really isn’t any other option. If he tries to do it in the morning, he is sure to miss Jiho who’ll already be in a studio or recording a show, or doing a photoshoot. And Namjoon himself is flying to Busan the next day for a concert, his whole group is already there, but he insisted on staying in Seoul as long as he could to spend more time with Jiho.  
“You need to slow down, baby.”  
“With what?” Jiho mumbles almost incomprehensibly like he always does when he is dead tired.  
“With work. You are running yourself into the ground. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone anymore,” Namjoon knows that the main problem is that, even though he knows it won’t ever happen, Jiho wants everyone to acknowledge him as an artist. But there will always be some underground rapper dissing him for being an idol, trying to boost his own popularity by mentioning Zico. And there will always be a bitter idol, jealous if Jiho’s success. It might not be fair, but it’s not a war anyone can win.  
“I can’t stop. They depend on me.”  
“I’m not asking you to stop, just… slow down.”  
“I don’t know how,” Jiho admits, eyes downcast like he is revealing a shameful secret, admitting that there is something he can’t do.  
“Maybe you need someone to take care of you, you’ve been on your own for so long,” Namjoon suggests softly and moves to embrace the other man. They lie down together, and he thinks he would never run out of words for lyrics about Jiho’s dark, catlike eyes and soft, pouty lips. If he were allowed to write them without pretending they are about a girl. If he does this, he wants to do Jiho justice, wants to be proud of the man he loves. But he knows it’s almost impossible, Korea isn’t there yet, not even close. “Let me take care of you, baby.”  
The older man doesn’t answer, at least not verbally. Instead, he moves both of them so they are spooning, Namjoon holding him tightly from behind. It’s as much of a yes as he will ever get.  
Namjoon is gone for over a week. Yoongi tries to stop him from watching Jiho’s late night/early morning Instagram streams – hours after they happen because he can’t allow himself to be too tired to perform, but it’s a moot point. It kills him, but it also helps him strengthen his resolve. The first thing he does after he gets back to Seoul is ask Kyung to meet him at Jiho’s flat.  
He needs Kyung to help with the scheduling because he doesn’t trust his boyfriend to tell him the truth about his work. According to Jiho, everything is equally important. They spend few hours pouring over the schedule for the next few weeks, figuring out what can be dropped and replaced with a much needed rest. Kyung is very enthusiastic, while Jiho mostly sits there and complains about every change they make. Yoongi, who invited himself over, starts by sitting on a couch next to Jiho, but the next time Namjoon looks up, his friend is sitting behind Kyung with a chin on his shoulder.  
He means to ask about some variety show, but what slips out instead is, “So you are a couple?”  
“You have a problem with that?” Yoongi glares at him, but it’s Kyung’s calm, collected gaze that makes Namjoon regret his question. He doesn’t hate the idea, but it makes him slightly uncomfortable. He doesn’t even know why, there is no reason for that. He just never considered it before.  
“No, everything is good. I mean, your visuals as a couple are a bit off, but it can’t be helped. The doctors did what they could about Kyung’s chin, not sure what more could be done for Yoongi either,” Jiho pipes in, turning everything into a joke.  
“First of all, that’s rich coming from someone who is dating Namjoon,” Kyung bites back, ignoring Namjoon’s offended ‘hey!’, “and you fucked me before, so fuck you!”  
“Wait, what?”  
“His safe word is ‘pineapple,’” Kyung deadpans.  
“Yeah, but...”  
“We were young, no one else wanted to sleep with us, then it became gross because I’ve seen him do things no one wants to see.”  
“Right, well,” Namjoon tries hard not to be jealous. He really can’t be jealous of every person Jiho slept with since he also had many partners before the older man. It’s not healthy or reasonable.  
Suddenly, he has a lap full of Jiho, who points at the schedule, “While we are discussing my fuck buddies… Did you seriously write here that I can’t be alone with Hyuk? And Minho, what the fuck?!”  
“No Minho, and definitely no Hyuk. I don’t trust them, they both keep messaging you, even though they know you are with me.”  
“We are friends.”  
“You can still be friends, just take Dongwook with you when you want to hang out with them. Or Kyung. Or Yukwon, he seems scary enough. I don’t mind anyone else, just them.”  
He expects Jiho to put up more of a fight, but his boyfriend just bites his lip and nods, agreeing to everything, and Namjoon forgets about Hyuk’s hatred for him, Minho’s lewd messages, about the fucking pineapple because Jiho is his responsibility now, and it seems that they both enjoy it equally.


End file.
